Two symmetrical puffy pigtails hanging upside down. Wrapping my string bean legs around the light green rusty monkey bars felt so daring. I felt like I was on top of the world. But; always brought back down with the overwhelming feelings of not making friends. I looked like my peers, talked like my peers but; I couldn’t connect with my peers. They seem to have this special bond over child innocence something I totally lacked. Before most of my peers, I was already sexually active and holding secrets that could change my family’s dynamic. Bigger fish to fry I would say.
As a little girl, I never had those cry to mommy moments. I buried my pain of rejection and feeling isolated all inside. My adopted mother wasn’t the type of person I could share my pain with. All I could say was everything is okay. My mother never allowed me to go into detail.
Sound Proof, Round, and Clear was the invisible bubble my mother lived in. Not even her children could pop the bubble. You could touch and feel her yet; she was invisible in the role of protecting, nurturing, and being emotionally connected. It was as if she was imprisoned within herself. With transparency keeping myself out of that very bubble is an everyday intentional task. And I don’t always win it.
Over the last few months, I found myself longing for a friendship with someone who had no desire to befriend me. And at the age of 31, I found myself writing a letter to God with the broken heart of the little girl from the monkey bars. You may say what’s the big deal of someone not wanting to befriend me. However, it’s much deeper. My initial response was to cover my pain by saying one of those” It’s their loss, not mine because I’m a loyal friend” type thing. But; God didn’t allow me to rob myself of a healing moment. Something I was quickly reminded of was in order to heal we must be ready to hand it over completely to God. He says all who are weary come to me and I’ll give you rest. Coming to the lord is simply being honest about whatever is burdensome to us. And rejection was the very thing burdening me for years and it still does.
Of course when we don’t deal with emotional baggage its pops up like a pimple on a prom day. What felt like rejection at that moment came flooded with childhood memories. I couldn’t stop the thoughts. Birth Mom giving me up for adoption, begging my adopted father to stop rejecting me as a daughter and pleading for him to stop treating me like” his women”, not being protected and loved, and the list keeps running. Many times we think we can separate our childhood pain from adulthood but its impossible without Jesus healing us. Trust me friend I know. We can’t hide our hurt anymore. God is someone who wants to carry our burdens and our hurt. He wants us to be honest with him and to tell him everything. This can be done through prayer. And it doesn’t have to be complicated it can be through discussion, writing, or even just crying to God, he just wants to know what’s on our heart. God wants us to have a clean heart nothing weighing us down. I think counseling is a great addition to healing but God is the primary source.
- Belonging: In Jesus, you will always belong. Before you were born you had a place in Jesus’ heart and kingdom. The more time you spend in christ the more you will experience his sense of belonging.
- No Rejection: You will never experience rejection with Jesus christ it’s impossible. God’s words say he will never leave us nor forsake us. ( Hebrews 13:5)
- Promise Keeper: God keeps his promises and one of his promises is healing, restoration, and joy ( Jemriah 17:4)
- Friendship: Don’t force friendships; allow God to choose them for you. When God chooses our friendships they are rewarding ( Proverbs 27:17)
- Baggage: Deal with the wounds of childhood rejection when memories come up take a moment and write about it or take time to talk to God and really share the emotions you feel.
- Healing: There is power in praying and healing to be received through prayer.
Can we pray together Friend?
Lord thank you for your love and calling us your own. Thank you for never forsaking us nor forgetting us. Lord, please heal our wounds of rejection. Every experience that shifted our ways of operating and thinking we declare healing. Lord set our hearts back on you and take away every fear associated with rejection. Lord remind us you are near. Let every lie the enemy brings of feeling unwanted and not accepted be destroyed. We break the generational curses of rejection over our bloodline. And we declare we are wanted and loved. Lord please minster to our hearts. Thank you for our new hearts which are softened. In Jesus Name Amen
If you haven’t accepted Jesus in your heart and you would like to, here’s a prayer you can pray and get connected to a local church.
Lord Jesus, for too long I’ve kept you out of my life. I know that I am a sinner and that I cannot save myself. No longer will I close the door when I hear you knocking. By faith, I gratefully receive your gift of salvation. I am ready to trust you as my Lord and Savior. Thank you, Lord Jesus, for coming to earth. I believe you are the Son of God who died on the cross for my sins and rose from the dead on the third day. Thank you for bearing my sins and giving me the gift of eternal life. I believe your words are true. Come into my heart, Lord Jesus, and be my Savior. Amen. This prayer is from Dr.Ray Pritchard found