I wouldn’t say it was the project I was trying to finish before New Year’s welcomed its self in; which led to the emotional breakdown. It was a snowball effect building its strength to roll down the hill. The snow started with the passing of my adoptive Father who molested me for many years . I became emotionally numb, I wasn’t sure if I was happy or sad, Witnessing first-hand the day to day battle my mother faces with Mental health. Sometimes it’s daunting to feel like you have a mother but not a mom.
Lastly feeling overwhelmed by churches and its mediocrity and losing the desire to want to be connected. I know somewhere along these lines you will find run-on sentences but; 2020 started off frightfully run on ish. As the clock stopped at new year’s I broke down. I screamed loudly into my pillow to conceal the sounds of sadness. I punched my pillows until I realized I was completely a wreck. The hangover of crying made me see there was a lot more going on inside than I cared to admit. Somewhere along my journey, I picked up my burdens instead of handing them over to God. I drunk from the well of the world and kept returning for temporary fixes. And that’s how I arrived at this familiar but foreign destination.
This is usually the part of the post where I say I’m okay, but I’m not 100% and I’m still trying to keep my eyes above sea level. BUT; there are some lessons worth sharing I have been learning on this rocky road.
- Last season I was studying God’s Word And Planting It In My Heart. Now in these hard moments, God reminds me of the verses I wrote over and over last season. Literally, they have given me hope. That’s why when we study God’s word sometimes it isn’t for that very moment or maybe you don’t understand it right then but you will. In every season stay in the word.
- God reminded me even In the wilderness We Can Still Have Favor. Check out Jeremiah 31:2 This has been enough for me to regain hope and trust God even in these tough moments I have had favor in many ways.
- I named this season” Drink From The Well because everything may not be easy but if I drink from the well of God I will not long to try to fill my sadness with worldliness but I will lay my burdens down and continually allow the lord to renew my soul.
- We Can Come To God No Matter what: even in our hardest moments we can turn to him; we don’t have to be okay and everything running smoothly to connect to him. We can come to God no matter how great the sin or discouragement. Even when we are hurting God wants us to come. He says all who are weary and burden Ill give your rest.
- God Knows Us Better Than We Know Ourselves Psalm 139 beautifully explains how God knows us intricately. We don’t even have to explain ourselves.
- Knowing The Season Your In we are in is so helpful because it allows us to know how to move. I know this is a season of nothing but being at the feet of Jesus. No overworking, no many projects just pushing in with God. Because I know this it allows me to align with God’s will.
This is random, but every once in a while I stop at the library after work just to relax. I found this great book in the new arrivals section, The book is called Nothing To Prove by Jeannie Allen who is the Founder of IF: Gathering. The beautiful metallic Gold on the jacket of the book caught my eyes. As I begin reading the book it felt like a cold glass of water on a thirsty summer day. I’m really grateful to read this book because it has encouraged me in many ways and has such a level of vulnerability. Jeannie if you ever come across my blog thank you for writing this book. Outside of the bible, it has great of coming back to the feet of Jesus.
New Devotional Alert: I really don’t know what this will look like but last year I did a monthly devotional at the beginning of the month this year I will continue with the theme: Drinking From The Well. I believe God wants us back at his well. We can no longer sip from the well of the world.
If you haven’t accepted Jesus in your heart and you would like to, here’s a prayer you can pray and get connected to a local church.
Lord Jesus, for too long I’ve kept you out of my life. I know that I am a sinner and that I cannot save myself. No longer will I close the door when I hear you knocking. By faith, I gratefully receive your gift of salvation. I am ready to trust you as my Lord and Savior. Thank you, Lord Jesus, for coming to earth. I believe you are the Son of God who died on the cross for my sins and rose from the dead on the third day. Thank you for bearing my sins and giving me the gift of eternal life. I believe your words are true. Come into my heart, Lord Jesus, and be my Savior. Amen. This prayer is from Dr.Ray Pritchard found