I’m writing from a place of vulnerability, a place where I don’t like to bring people often. Kind of like the room you shove everything in when you find out unexpected guest are coming over less than five minutes. Some of you know very well what I’m talking about. The problem with this concept we forget to come back and release everything we threw in the closet because everything on the outside looks good. And then we have more guest and we just keep piling and piling. What if we got vulnerable and showed God our messes instead of hiding the secrets . As I get older I hate SECRETS.
I’m ready to fearlessly open that door, and let everything fall down. . Heavy hearts, large consumption of sugar, over- sleeping, tormented mind, nights of being curled in a ball crying, comparisons and much more. When writing this post I just kept thinking about the title dirty bath water. I guess because no matter how long you sit in it you will never be clean. Not until you drain the water, clean the tub, and get back in. I promise you I’m going somewhere with this. For over 27 years I sat in my own dirty water of depression. I got so use to being depressed I was addicted . If I wasn’t sad and miserable I felt uncomfortable. If my mind was silent that was insanity for me. If I was happy I was scared someone would just come and steal it from me..I would sabotage myself so I could feel that heavy burden , confusion, frustration, tears of unidentified pain because any other feeling didn’t feel right. It was almost like a fix, it felt good to a degree. My smiles were always fake. I remember I would watch people laugh and smile having a good time wishing I could have. I promises you this isn’t a sappy post. There is victory in this post.
Depression was something I hid in that room. Job titles, material things,volunteer work, and much more was what I covered it with. I didn’t let anyone know any from the outside. I made it seem like I had it all but from the inside I was drowning in my own BATH WATER. Depression is internal hell, it eats you alive. I didnt realize until I was in my mid 20’s that the enemy only plans are to steal, kill, and destroy and he prey’s on people who don’t know they can pull the plunge and get out of the water . Jesus came to pick us up and overflow us with his love and clean us. If I knew what I knew now about Jesus I could have been out of the dirty bath water a long time ago. No matter how your water got dirty, no matter how long you have been there,e Jesus can heal you , comfort you, hold you.Jesus love is so pure it pretty unexplainable. He is such a wonderful father he will get in that dirty bath with you and purify it. We can call on him. A lot of times we think we have to be clean for him to love us. He wants to lend his hand to help us get out of that water. You are not to far in depression to come out. I was sitting in that water since I was a little girl. I’m now 29 and my heart is being filled with Love , excitement, joy, and Im not afraid to enjoy myself. You don’t have to do it on your own. I remember I use to read so many self-help books. I wish I would have just picked up the bible a long time ago. I should make something clear you have to make up your mind. You have to make the decision to come out of your dirty bath water . God is not going to just come and sit in dirty water with you. But once you make up your mind in your heart he will be there to pull you out.
I was in a relationship’ with depression and I had to break it off. The lord open my eyes in so many ways. I had to be comfortable with coming out of my comfort zone of darkness I had to open my eyes to the light and to God’s Love. I had to be willingly open my life to people God ordained in my life to help. I had to close the self-help books and open the bible and read the stories of people trusting in God with all of their being. This wasnt something that happen overnight but it doesn’t have to be that way for you. God is supernatural things don’t have to take long or forever.
During my process I would kept turning back things were so new I wold run back to the old. I couldn’t face the pain that came with the process. But today I’m able to see its all worth it. I was the girl who walked around bitter so sad. I remember being intimated by people who were so happy and filled with Joy. Now I’m one of those people. Simple because God poured his love over me and Grace and now I’m not afraid to be excited I’m not afriad to think my joy is going to be stolen. I know someone is reading this from a tough place in life. No matter what you’re going through God can and will change you if you allow him